Noisy Lesbians and Dogs: my Inconvenient Truth

These past couple months, we here at the Expat have learned a harsh lesson: old houses on the East Coast are noisy and inhabited by thug lesbians with large dogs.  Allow me to explain...

As many of you will recall, Mike and I were originally very excited about our charming English Basement in the heart of an affluent neighborhood called Kalorama here in the District.  My landlord was a sweetheart, the place was great.  Then: we met our upstairs neighbor(s).  Originally, the unnamed woman seemed ok.  She's an attorney for the Discovery Networks (yes, believe it or not, the Discovery Channel is based in suburban Maryland).  She has a very nice dog.  Then, we started to realize that everytime we tried to go down and use the washer/dryer...they were always in use.  Mind you, we only shared it with her.  The tenant on the top floor had their own.  Once I started opening the round-the-clock washer...I realized that the woman upstairs was regularly washing a bath mat.  Nothing else.  I kid you not...one time she was only washing two pairs of pants.  CLEARLY, someone didn't see an Inconvenient Truth.  Well, come to think of it...the title probably turned her off.  From this point on...my neighbor quickly turned into MY Inconvenient Truth.

That was only the beginning.  After a month of living there, we realized that she must have some kind of hyper-active disorder because she stomped back and forth across her apartment so many times that I decided to start counting.  One night, she walked back and forth from one end of her apartment to the other, without stopping, 42 times!  Yes, I started to count because it was so loud it was starting to drive me mad and it's all I could do to keep my sanity.  If sounding like an elephant wasn't bad enough, then she started to "play" with the dog on a nightly basis at about 11:30 or midnight.  This went on for at least 15 minutes.  It involved a large black lab jumping up and down and running around on uncovered hardwood floors while barking.  Naturally, I went up and asked her to stop on several occasions.  She didn't take very well to it, but I ignored it for a while.  Finally, we just took to hitting the ceiling with a broom handle.

Then: the thug.  We finally decided to move back in December because I decided there was no way to live there anymore (more on the move later).  As though I needed confirmation of this decision, I met the tenant's girlfriend one night...oh did I ever.  One night at 11:45 p.m., I was trying to get some writing done for an incredibly busy and important day the next day.  Well, the stomping began...then "playtime" with the pooch.  I couldnt' take it anymore, so I went up to knock on the door and ask them to quiet down again.  Well, the door flung open and the tenant's crazy girlfriend started screaming at me exactly 2 inches from my face while backing me up against the front door.  Seriously, I thought she was gonna cut me.  I was so taken aback that I just kept quiet because she was nuts.  Here's a summation of her "arguments:"

(1) How dare you knock on my door.  (hmmm...last time I checked it's your girlfriend on the lease and you live in some nasty part of Virginia).

(2) We only play with the dog for 10 minutes...10 minutes! (at midnight on uncovered hardwood floors)

(3) here's a real doozie: "this is a community!" (ummm...wouldn't that mean that I could come up and ask you to quiet down since I'm trying to sleep/work right below you?)

(4) If this were a baby...would you be so rude and come up here and do this? (what is it with lesbians always referring back to the babies?  Last time I checked, babies don't woof, drop bones and have claws)

(5) I used to live downstairs and it was fine! (oh...yea...I"m sure you noticed...SINCE YOU WERE PROBABLY UP HERE macking on your girlfriend most of the time).

To make a long story short....we moved out the following weekend and couldn't be happier.  For the next installment on the Expat: Mike and Erik move from Kalorama to the edge of redeveloped downtown DC/ghetto...what an adventure!