Run, Lobbyist, Run!

Let me tell you something about the District. The runners here are crazy.

You may remember that one of the first observations we made here at the Expat about Washington is the propensity of the residents to run-EVERYWHERE. Now, I come from health-conscious Southern California where visitors see nicely tan, nicely toned Cali boys and girls running up and down the sandy beaches of Malibu. It seemed normal to me. Here, though, walking home from work is like playing a video game where I'm supposed to dodge runners coming at me from the left, the right and behind! One of the biggest gay social groups in town is DC Frontrunners.

But last night is when DC pulled out it's crazy. We had a pretty nasty ice storm here a few nights ago, although some of the ice has thawed (thanks to good ol' Dow Chemical), there are still some nasty patches of ice all over the sidewalks. I was on my way out to cocktails with friends and there were runners everywhere! Nevermind the fact that many of them had shorts on in 20 degree weather. The real crux is that I saw two of them nearly slip and kill themselves within a window of my 15 minute walk. I'm not sure whether one of the side effects of Potomac Fever is an animal need to run, but it's dangerous, DC!

I'm sure some of the Expat's readers are thinking, "wow, this sure sounds like a bitter rant from someone who hasn't hit the gym in a while." Well, those readers would be right. BUT, I'm also concerned for the health and safety of my fellow District residents. Be careful out there.


Oh....and eat a cookie every once and a while already.

Snow = Chaos in the District

So apparently snow makes people in Washington, DC crazy.  Everyone has been telling me how much they want snow around here.  Then, it comes and fires break out downtown, the UNDERGROUND subway is reduced to using one track (I swear...the red line is cursed) and Starbucks has no line at 8:30 in the morning.  I thought Seattle was bad about snow, but they shut the schools down here the minute a forecaster says we might have snow.  This is hardly a reason to stay home from school.  I say: send those punks out there with their boots to get an education while we still have some remanent of a public education system left in this country!

One of the strangest local colloquialism's here in the East is "wintry mix."  The weather people keep telling us that we should expect a wintry mix over the next several days.  After some investigation with the locals, I've discovered that this means some form of mix between rain, snow, ice and sleet--not a new brand of Chex mix, as I had originally thought.  Are ice and sleet the same thing?  How does it rain ice?  isn't that just hail?  Dear god, the reliable sunshine of Southern California baked any sense of weather dynamics right out of my head.  Would someone please explain all of this too me!

The Inauguration

Well..we, here at the Expat, are late again with this post, but better late than never.  So, yes I did indeed take part in the inaugural hoopla here in the District, which was awesome.  I'd be surprised if I ever saw that many people in one place again in my life.  The streets of Washington definitely looked like one giant pilgrimage on the morning of January 20th. 

Quite a few locals went down to the Mall and a new class system has now developed.  Everytime you run into someone and ask if they went down for the inauguration, it usually goes like this:

District Resident A:

Did you go down to the mall for the inauguration?

District Resident B:

Yea, I sure did.  But, what time did you go? [enter status assertion]

District Resident A:

Ummm...well...you see.  We MEANT to leave at 5 a.m., but got lazy and did brunch instead.  So, we really didn't get down there until about 8.  But, we still got a really great spot right on the west side of the Washington Monument hill.

District Resident B:

Oh....wow.  Uh....that's great.  But...could ya see way out there?  My friends and I left at 3 a.m. Yea, we were practically touching the reflecting pond in front of the captiol. 

Or...here's another of my favorites....

District Resident C:

Yea, I made it out to the inauguration. Actually....you see...I had tickets [1st status assertion].  Yea...that's right, TWO of them [2nd status assertion]...in the yellow section [3rd status assertion...oy vey!].

So, for an "inauguration for the people," it sure as hell put all of us into a pecking order.  I was waiting for all the people in the ticketed section to start throwing chicken bones down on us while wearing white wigs!

Other than the one-upmanship going on around the Beltway, the other real doozie during the inauguration was the MERCHANDISE!  Oh yes...if you can think of a product that could POSSIBLY be made for our new president's inuguration, it was being sold on the streets of Washington that day!  Here's a few of the most notable:

(1) The official Certificate of Attendance.  There was a gentlemen at Virginia and 18th who was selling official certificates of attendance for both the inauguration itself and the big concert on Sunday.  God only knows what certifying authority he represented.  I can't believe I didn't get one!  Strangely enough, the concept was so campy, that he was doing quite a business at $5/pop.

(2) The "Hello My Fellow American, My Name Is:" name tag.  These were just a hoot!  So many people had them.

(3) The Michelle and Barack Wedding Album (wha?!):  For every 3 kooky items, there was a creepy one.  The Michelle and Barack wedding album was definitely one of them.  Basically, it was a really cheap photo album with a strange adhesive-applied wedding photo of our new First couple.  So, I guess you were supposed to put your own wedding photos into this book and look lovingly upon our new President and First Lady.  Weird.  The only thing it reminded me of were my strangely Anglo-obsessed friends in Canada who keep a picture of the Queena and Queen mum above their toilets.  Also weird.

(4) The Inaugural Commemorative Travel Tissue Pack.  Now, this is just brilliant.  Knowing how many people were going to be pulling an Oprah during the inaugural ceremony, someone devised an inaugural tissue pack.

All in all, it was just so uplifting to see all these entrepreneurs out on the streets of Washington in the middle of a recession.  And, it was just so American to see the kind of crap we were willing to buy at such an historical moment.  If you saw any other notable inaugural crip-crap, please let us know here at the Expat!

Fur coats, Obama crip crap and lame sound engineers

Well, what can I say? The HBO "We Are One" concert was spectacular! It was hard to believe that so many people would willingly pack themselves onto the National Mall in freezing cold weather, but we did it! For putting the production together in two weeks, HBO should get major kudos. It was an incredibly well-run program and STAR-PACKED. Mind you, I was with all the commoners down away from the main stage, but we actually managed to find an incredibly close spot. Although Mary J. looked like a little white fluffy ant walking up and down the stairs of the Lincoln Memorial, she still had us singing. A few observations from the day:

(1) I didn't realize that full-length fur coats were the official clothing for the concert! My god, PETA would have had a heart attack at this thing. I was thinking we were all going to run into a speakeasy after the concert for an under-the-counter drink!

(2) If you can think of something about Obama that can be turned into a consumable product (or "souvenir"), then trust me, it was being sold somewhere on the streets of Washington. Obama bobble heads, buttons, boxer shorts, tattoos, gummi candy...god knows what else.

(3) Americans being nice to each other? Whaaa?!! Believe me...when you're the few...the proud...like we were...up at the very front of this world-hyped concert, one could only expect that there were going to be some nasty confrontations. Surprisingly, everyone was just so pleasant with each other. When we started getting pushed from all sides like a crowded chicken coop, concert-goers simply started excusing themselves to each other rather than yelling f**k you! Will the power of Obama never end?!

(4) And finally: if you ever need a sound engineer, NEVER hire one who works for HBO. DEAR GOD. The concert was so well set-up, but when it started...they simply didn't have several of the speakers up. So, the crowd was forced to rudely interrupt the speaker (Denzel Washington) to start chanting, "turn it up, turn it up!" Then, we were in between two sets of speakers, and the delay was so bad, that we just looked like a bunch of REALLY sorry white people trying to keep a beat. But it wasn't our fault! We seriously couldn't follow the beat! And finally...god bless her...Mary J. managed to blow several speakers. How, you may ask? I have NO idea. I think I had some "DJ" friends in college who could have prevented more of these problems than HBO.

All in all though...it was incredible. Now, tomorrow is REALLY going to be a trek. Wish me luck...

I know what you got for Christmas

Well...everyone is certainly back to work in the federal District this week.  No more Christmas...no more New Year.  I was reminded that it was "back to business" when one of our very colorful motorcades flew down Connecticut Avenue this morning.  It was definitely "Obama-level."  I counted 13 Secret Service motorcycles (with sidecar!), 4 black SUVs and 5 police cars.  Why did I think it was probably an Obama-level motorcade?  Well, the fact that the last SUV had 3 SWAT team-looking men hanging out of the back with massive semi-automatic rifles gave me some clue. But I digress...

The other reason I know it's just after the holiday in Washington, D.C.: lobbying organization holiday gifts!  That's right...we're all dawning our swank new lobby swag around town this week.  Typically, this involves yet ANOTHER tote bag or "attache," sporting your respective organization's logo and slogan.  At my organization's holiday party, we received a very hip insulated lunch tote (which has actually been very useful).  On my walk to work today, I made a few observations about this year's new lobby swag:

(1) Everyone seems to be "Working for America."  Seriously, people...that's just trite.  And, as far as I'm concerned, only labor organizations get to use this slogan.  The slogan "working for America" just doesn't work as well on an attache bag for the American Association of Swingset Builders.

(2) Umbrellas are useful lobby swag...but in this town...only if they're the kind with wind vents in the top.  One big storm in DC and your logo and slogan are just going to end up in the gutter with everyone else.

(3)  Some organizations are much more interested in hiding everything about what they do on their swag.  No, the API logo on that pretty new padfolio doesn't stand for the American Pet Institute, it actually stands for the American Petroleum Institute.  You know...the giant lobbying group the represents all the world oil companies here in the District.  It's a shame they don't just have a picture of that woman from the commercial in the slick pant suit who walks around big maps of the U.S. telling us that most of the oil we need is "right here in the U.S.!" 

Mega Prom: the Inauguration

Reporting from the banks of the Mighty Potomac...the Expat is back!

Lame is the name of my game.  I knew I hadn't updated this poor blog in a while, but didn't realize it was back in SEPTEMBER.  Please accept my apologies.  If you're wondering...yes...keeping the expat up-to-date is a new year's resolution.

Anyway...a few things have happened around here since September.  We've sort of plunged into economic crisis, bailout is the new "black" and we have this new president named Obama.  I was, indeed, down with all the other drunks at 2 a.m. on election night in front of the White House chanting at Bush, which was an amazing experience to say the least.

But that's all pretext...let's talk RED CARPET.  As I round out my 6 month anniversary living in the District, I was so happy to see award season kick into high gear with the Golden Globes last night!  Everyone looked fabulous on the red carpet at the Beverly Hilton.  It transported me back to my lazy days in La La land, especially the weather.  Lord knows why I decided to check the weather out there on my phone, only to see that it's going to be sunny, clear and mid-70s all week.  Don't even THINK of calling me to gloat.  It took me 10 minutes just to bundle up before I walked out the door today!

So, we have our own little red carpet buzz going on around the Beltway...the inauguration.  Oh yes...it's like ONE GIGANTIC PROM!  I seriously have not seen people get more stressed out about one night since prom.  Are these shoes sophisticated enough?  Is red too flashy?  Do you think I'll fit into the gown I wore to the Clinton balls?  Basically, we all know that Washington, DC is really just Hollywood for dorky people.  Most of the time, they don't have to worry about being fashionable, trendy or even good looking.  But especially with Obama's inauguration comes a billion balls.

Why so many balls, some Expat readers may be asking themselves?  Well, there are a hell of a lot of lobbyists in this town...and what better way to party than to throw a prom in the name of your cause?  You name it...and there's an inauguration ball for it.  The gays have a big ball (which I couldn't afford...damn!), the environmentalists have a ball (and apparently it's hard for them to where something other than hiking boots with their tuxes), and yes....the Indians have a ball!  I'll be shakin' it on the dancefloor with all the other Natives in the beltway.  And what does the California State Society have?  An inaugural lunch and fashion show.  Something tells me there weren't a lot of Bay Area people on the organizing committee for that one.

So, as I deal with women fretting over their gowns, shoes, dates and dresses for the next week, I leave you with some things to consider.  The Obamas are planning to attend at least 10 balls on inauguration night.  Whew!  That means...there will definitely be red carpet and paparazzi...Beltway style. 

So, who's going to host the Red Carpet pre-show?  God knows Ryan Seacrest wouldn't recognize most of them...so I'm thinking Phil McLaughlin.  But please, not Tucker Carlson!

What network is going to cover it?  Maybe this is a new opp for C-Span to pick up a younger audience.  I'm thinking it should change it's name to C! and acquire rights to overplay a Beyonce song when they cut to commercial breaks.

What's the swag tent going to have in it?  Perhaps jewel encrusted pens from Pharma (the drug company lobby) enscribed with the names of the hottest prescription drugs.  And, I'm expecting each of the 50 state lobbies are going to have a designer handbag.  Idaho will have a bejeweled potato handbag.  California could have several depending on what part you're from.  Orange County could have a bejeweled orange with a clasp top.  L.A. could have a movie reel canister.  And, Nor Cal...well...I'm sure they'll think of something.

And the big one: what is Michelle Obama going to wear?!  Lord knows, this woman has been quite the talk of the fashion world (and one of the only figures keeping J. Crew's bottom line alive).  So, after seeing that "interesting" choice of gown on election night, inquiring minds are dying to know what our incoming First Lady is going to flaunt around town.  Stay tuned...