Classroom Energy!

Ok...loyal Expat readers know that I have a special grudge against the American Petroleum Institute (API), which is essentially THE lobbying org for the oil and natural gas industry. One of the things I love to do while eating lunch at my desk is to troll around on lobbying organization websites to see how they pitch themselves and what kind of information products they're pumping out. WELL, I just discovered that our lovable friends at API have an entire classroom curriculum program! It's called "Classroom Energy," and it's a doozie:

http://www.classroom-energy.org/

I'll let you explore this on your own...and trust me...it's entertaining...but there are some special sections to note. One of my favorite "lesson plans" is called "adventures in Energy!" where youngins' get to learn all about the importance of oil and natural gas in their lives. Precious!

http://www.adventuresinenergy.org/Oil-and-Natural-Gas-in-Your-Life/index.html

For other Expat readers who are intrigued with the inner operation of the Beltway and love the movie/book, "Thank You For Smoking," this is a snapshot into its sequel.

I knew I should have asked for that super convenient plastic bag to carry my salad across the street. Thanks, petroleum!

Give Eleanor the Vote!

Ok, so I admit that $621 million for a visitor center is a BIT much, but I have to say, the new capitol visitor center is absolutely beautiful.  The Expat went on a field trip this past weekend to check it out and we were incredibly impressed.  In a city where 80 some percent of the parks are run by our absurdly underfunded National Parks Service, there are a lot of sad signs in the federal district of America's lack of support for its infrastructure and national pride.  The visitor center is one of the few new buildings related to a monument in DC that isn't absolutely garish.  I was expecting some giant plastic eagle to be hanging fromt he ceiling, American flags draped over everything, etc. etc.  But, it was surprisingly tasteful.  As a total American History and city buff, I didn't even get through the whole museum, so I will definitely be going back.  Why?  One word: DIORAMA!  Oh yes, there are at least 12 dioramas that guide you through the entire history of the building of the U.S. Capitol.  I could barely contain myself.  Not only do you get to see exactly how much of the capitol was done when (and what was going on in the country at the time), but hey have the population growth of the area around Capitol Hill too!  For anyone who loves to study the history of cities, it's orgasmic.

That aside, Mike and I were particularly entertained by an awesome little program they had specially developed for the museum.  Basically, it's a touch screen trivia program that asks you all sorts of cute little questions about the history of Congress.  One of the best programs, however, was the "look up your senator" program.  As a proud District resident, I couldn't help but type in, "Washington, D.C."  Low and behold, this is what popped up:

Now, I've been to law school, I understand the basics of how our federal/state system works in this country, but it still surprises me that in this day and age a country that raves about being the best thing to happen to government since sliced bread still has an entire capital city that doesn't have a vote in Congress, a city of just over 1/2 million people.  I realize we're not a state, and I actually kind of like that, but having just done my taxes...goddamit, I want this woman to be able to vote on my behalf:

Enter: Eleanor Holmes Norton.  For the Expat's West Coasters, she has served faithfully as the District's Congresswoman for TEN terms.  She's done everything she can to represent here 9-in-10 Democratic voting district in the past many years, but it's time she was able to weigh in with an actual vote on the floor of Congress.  Today could be the next step to that reality, as the Bill to give us a vote in the House is being debated on the floor of the Senate today for the first time since 1978.  Unfortunately, it looks like we're going to have to give Utah an additional seat in return, but it would be a glorious day for the District if this finally gets through. 

I know we're not going to get any senators out of this, so I'd be happy with a House seat, but is it really asking too much to just have ONE senator?  Now, if we do finally get the vote, the real question is...what do we do about our license plates.  We truly do have the most kick-ass protest license plate in the country.  Maybe some kind of likeness of Marion Barry?

For your (policy) consideration...

One of my favorite things about living in Washington, DC is reading the Washington Post everymorning.  I come from a family of newsies.  My great-grandfather was actually one of the first typesetters employed at the Chicago Sun-Times, which is why we hate the Tribune, the cross-town rival rag.  The Post is a solid newspaper, especially for its political coverage, which many of us inside the Beltway actually rely upon.

As we, here at the Expat, rev up for the Oscars this weekend for the first time living outside of Tinseltown itself in some 8 years...I've been thinking a lot about those "for your consideration ads" that run in just about every newspaper in L.A. during the Academy voting season for the Oscars.  For those of you who don't know, some studios spend ungodly sums of money literally lobbying the entire city, hoping to catch the attention of a few Academy voters to influence their ballot.  This is all very important business, of course....in Hollywood.

Well...we have lobbying ads of our own here.  And, it's one of my favorite things about reading the Post every day.  This week has been especially good, so I thought I'd share some observations about the flood of full-pagers circulating inside the Beltway.  As you know, President Obama's first visit to a foreign country as president was to our good neighbors to the North these past few days (eh?).  We all love Canada.  In fact, I met someone not long ago who actually told me they didn't love Canada.  What?  Who dislikes Canada?  Beavers, Moose, charming ways to say "abooot".  What's not to love?  But, I digress.

The lobbying orgs have been popping out of the woodwork this week with their various ads to influence...well...I'm not always sure.  Obama is in Canada, but they're running full page ads in the Washington post.  Here's an analysis of one of my favs from yesterday:

Enlarge

The ad reads "Geography has made us neighbors...Economics has made us partners."  It's a quote from John F. Kennedy's address to Paliament in 1961. Below the quote is a pretty picture of North American (cutting off right at the Mexican border, of course) against a red backdrop.  It goes on underneath to read, "We share the world's longest secure common border, vibrant democratic institutions and a longstanding legacy of friendship.  Common values and geography make Canada the natural destination for President Obama's first foreign visit" Aww...doesn't that just make you all warm and fuzzy? Vive La Canada!

Uh oh...then the next paragraph starts with, "but, the bonds between Canada and the U.S. are much more than cultural."  It goes on to talk about our trading relationship, blah, blah, blah.  Ok...we all know NAFTA is up for renegotiation under Obama.  This makes sense.

Then, what I like to call the "Lobby Bomb": "These two are irrevocably linked nations, and nowhere is this more apparent than in U.S.-Canada energy independence." Boom! There it is...an oil ad!  You can read the rest of the ad by clicking on it above, but it goes on to explain how we need to keep buying a ton of oil from Canada to secure our future.  Interestingly, this ad was sponsored by the Canadian American Business Council.  What's it' hocking?  One of Canada's largest industries: the Oil Sands.  If you don't know about them, they're considered some of, if not the, most energy-intensive, high polluting oil projects in the world.  They essentially dig giant holes in Alberta and boil oil out of sand by superheating it.  

And oh....what's this?  A full page ad today in the Post on almost the EXACT same page from our friends at Energy Tomorrow!  Yay!  Energy Tomorrow is the campaign financed by hat lovable lobbying group (the American Petroleum Institute) we all see on TV with the blond woman in the smart pant suit who just doesn't seem to understand why we're not trying to drill every drop of oil in the U.S....and obviously now Canada:

Enlarge

So, I've moved from "for your consideration" ads hocking movies to "for your (policy) consideration" ads hocking the policy of the week.  If I were them, I'd just put a big picture of a cute, fuzzy beaver on it and somehow make it seem like boiling oil out of sand helps keep beavers warm in their lodges.  Who wouldn't support that?  Damn, I'm good...I should go into this lobby ad business.

Our move to the edge

So, after escaping the angry lesbians upstairs, Mike and I finally fulfilled one of Erik's life dreams: living in a hotel.

Several years ago, the District government partnered with developers to plan a redevelopment called City Vista.  Let's get this out of the way...to my lefty urban planning/studies friends:  yes, I joined "the man" and moved into one of those big modern redevelopments where the city took over a few city blocks in a previously less-than-hospitable neighborhood, only to have it taken over by a bunch of bougie Beltway professionals.  Ok.  There.

As proper gay men, we didn't find out about this development through the paper...or word of mouth...or signage.  No...we found out about it through our gym.  Yes, this development was designed for the modern gay man.  Directly below us lies the "Urban Lifestyle Safeway."  What makes it different from any other Safeway?  Well...besides the sleeker lighting and shelving, let's cut to the chase: it has a roasted nut bar.  Now, even I have trouble understanding why I would need a roasted nut bar.  They offer something in the realm of 25 varieties of fresh roasted nuts every day.  Strangely, the only thing that isn't upgraded about the Urban Lifestyle Safeway is the music: yes, there's a lot of strange covers of Celine Dion and Toni Braxton. (sidebar: did you hear that Muzak, Inc filed for bankruptcy?!  Gasp!  What are retailers going to do?)

As if being able to take the elevator down to my fab grocery store isn't enough...how about the 5th Street Hardware Store....also in the building.  Now, I was excited about having a hardware store, but then I went inside and realized: it's a lot like Koontz Hardware back in WeHo.  For Expat readers back home, we all know that Koontz is one of West Hollywood's favorite businesses.  Besides having tons of knowledgeable staff...the real reason we love it is because we can buy candles along with copper pipe.  Brilliant.  5th Street isn't quite as good, but I love it...and there are homo couples galore.

The real crown jewel, however, is having a branch of our gym, Results, in the building.  Oh, mercy!  Mike and I used to live only a block from our gym back in WeHo and we got really used to it.  When we were living under the oppressive lesbians, we were only a 10 minute walk to the gym...but trust me...it prevented us from going.  Now, it's quick and easy once again.

So the development has absolutely everything you could need, which is wonderful.  As I mentioned before, we basically sit right on the edge of redeveloped downtown DC.  Our immediate area is relatively nice and safe, but go a few streets to far east...and...well...you'll wonder if Marion Barry is still mayor!

But you know what makes living on the edge of the ghetto ok?  Floor-to-ceiling windows!  Yes, we have a fabulous unit on the 7th floor with an expansive view of Northeast.  Even Nemo like it.  The hobos roaming around the park below are always of keen interest to a feline.

All in all, Mike and I are incredibly happy at our new residence (which has 2 footh thick concrete ceilings!).  We, here at the Expat, did take a lesson from California, however--always look on the sunny side:

- That boarded up building across the street isn't blighted: it's historic!

- The bums in the park aren't signs of the poor economy: they're neighborhood custodians!

- The sirens coming from the MPD across the street are...well...ok...they're sirens.

You know you're in the District when...

The Expat has decided to start a new running column called: you know you're in the District when...  In this column, the Expat will highlight some truly DC everyday situations.  This week: my haircut.

You know you're in the District when: the guy cutting your hair freaks out when he's just starting to put product in your hair...then frantically asks you if it's "ok" to use product in your hair...all the while looking at you like you're going to beat him with a cane.

When I inquired about this he said that he gets yelled at all the time because this town can be so button-up at times that several employers don't allow men to wear normal hair products in their hair.  I got the sense that one or two Beltway bastards gave this poor hairstylist their two cents about this.  Wow.  I need to write to the all-powerful Obama about this.  Screw the other "change."  I say we start by letting our poor boys wear some hair product!

Noisy Lesbians and Dogs: my Inconvenient Truth

These past couple months, we here at the Expat have learned a harsh lesson: old houses on the East Coast are noisy and inhabited by thug lesbians with large dogs.  Allow me to explain...

As many of you will recall, Mike and I were originally very excited about our charming English Basement in the heart of an affluent neighborhood called Kalorama here in the District.  My landlord was a sweetheart, the place was great.  Then: we met our upstairs neighbor(s).  Originally, the unnamed woman seemed ok.  She's an attorney for the Discovery Networks (yes, believe it or not, the Discovery Channel is based in suburban Maryland).  She has a very nice dog.  Then, we started to realize that everytime we tried to go down and use the washer/dryer...they were always in use.  Mind you, we only shared it with her.  The tenant on the top floor had their own.  Once I started opening the round-the-clock washer...I realized that the woman upstairs was regularly washing a bath mat.  Nothing else.  I kid you not...one time she was only washing two pairs of pants.  CLEARLY, someone didn't see an Inconvenient Truth.  Well, come to think of it...the title probably turned her off.  From this point on...my neighbor quickly turned into MY Inconvenient Truth.

That was only the beginning.  After a month of living there, we realized that she must have some kind of hyper-active disorder because she stomped back and forth across her apartment so many times that I decided to start counting.  One night, she walked back and forth from one end of her apartment to the other, without stopping, 42 times!  Yes, I started to count because it was so loud it was starting to drive me mad and it's all I could do to keep my sanity.  If sounding like an elephant wasn't bad enough, then she started to "play" with the dog on a nightly basis at about 11:30 or midnight.  This went on for at least 15 minutes.  It involved a large black lab jumping up and down and running around on uncovered hardwood floors while barking.  Naturally, I went up and asked her to stop on several occasions.  She didn't take very well to it, but I ignored it for a while.  Finally, we just took to hitting the ceiling with a broom handle.

Then: the thug.  We finally decided to move back in December because I decided there was no way to live there anymore (more on the move later).  As though I needed confirmation of this decision, I met the tenant's girlfriend one night...oh did I ever.  One night at 11:45 p.m., I was trying to get some writing done for an incredibly busy and important day the next day.  Well, the stomping began...then "playtime" with the pooch.  I couldnt' take it anymore, so I went up to knock on the door and ask them to quiet down again.  Well, the door flung open and the tenant's crazy girlfriend started screaming at me exactly 2 inches from my face while backing me up against the front door.  Seriously, I thought she was gonna cut me.  I was so taken aback that I just kept quiet because she was nuts.  Here's a summation of her "arguments:"

(1) How dare you knock on my door.  (hmmm...last time I checked it's your girlfriend on the lease and you live in some nasty part of Virginia).

(2) We only play with the dog for 10 minutes...10 minutes! (at midnight on uncovered hardwood floors)

(3) here's a real doozie: "this is a community!" (ummm...wouldn't that mean that I could come up and ask you to quiet down since I'm trying to sleep/work right below you?)

(4) If this were a baby...would you be so rude and come up here and do this? (what is it with lesbians always referring back to the babies?  Last time I checked, babies don't woof, drop bones and have claws)

(5) I used to live downstairs and it was fine! (oh...yea...I"m sure you noticed...SINCE YOU WERE PROBABLY UP HERE macking on your girlfriend most of the time).

To make a long story short....we moved out the following weekend and couldn't be happier.  For the next installment on the Expat: Mike and Erik move from Kalorama to the edge of redeveloped downtown DC/ghetto...what an adventure!

Run, Lobbyist, Run!

Let me tell you something about the District. The runners here are crazy.

You may remember that one of the first observations we made here at the Expat about Washington is the propensity of the residents to run-EVERYWHERE. Now, I come from health-conscious Southern California where visitors see nicely tan, nicely toned Cali boys and girls running up and down the sandy beaches of Malibu. It seemed normal to me. Here, though, walking home from work is like playing a video game where I'm supposed to dodge runners coming at me from the left, the right and behind! One of the biggest gay social groups in town is DC Frontrunners.

But last night is when DC pulled out it's crazy. We had a pretty nasty ice storm here a few nights ago, although some of the ice has thawed (thanks to good ol' Dow Chemical), there are still some nasty patches of ice all over the sidewalks. I was on my way out to cocktails with friends and there were runners everywhere! Nevermind the fact that many of them had shorts on in 20 degree weather. The real crux is that I saw two of them nearly slip and kill themselves within a window of my 15 minute walk. I'm not sure whether one of the side effects of Potomac Fever is an animal need to run, but it's dangerous, DC!

I'm sure some of the Expat's readers are thinking, "wow, this sure sounds like a bitter rant from someone who hasn't hit the gym in a while." Well, those readers would be right. BUT, I'm also concerned for the health and safety of my fellow District residents. Be careful out there.


Oh....and eat a cookie every once and a while already.

Snow = Chaos in the District

So apparently snow makes people in Washington, DC crazy.  Everyone has been telling me how much they want snow around here.  Then, it comes and fires break out downtown, the UNDERGROUND subway is reduced to using one track (I swear...the red line is cursed) and Starbucks has no line at 8:30 in the morning.  I thought Seattle was bad about snow, but they shut the schools down here the minute a forecaster says we might have snow.  This is hardly a reason to stay home from school.  I say: send those punks out there with their boots to get an education while we still have some remanent of a public education system left in this country!

One of the strangest local colloquialism's here in the East is "wintry mix."  The weather people keep telling us that we should expect a wintry mix over the next several days.  After some investigation with the locals, I've discovered that this means some form of mix between rain, snow, ice and sleet--not a new brand of Chex mix, as I had originally thought.  Are ice and sleet the same thing?  How does it rain ice?  isn't that just hail?  Dear god, the reliable sunshine of Southern California baked any sense of weather dynamics right out of my head.  Would someone please explain all of this too me!

The Inauguration

Well..we, here at the Expat, are late again with this post, but better late than never.  So, yes I did indeed take part in the inaugural hoopla here in the District, which was awesome.  I'd be surprised if I ever saw that many people in one place again in my life.  The streets of Washington definitely looked like one giant pilgrimage on the morning of January 20th. 

Quite a few locals went down to the Mall and a new class system has now developed.  Everytime you run into someone and ask if they went down for the inauguration, it usually goes like this:

District Resident A:

Did you go down to the mall for the inauguration?

District Resident B:

Yea, I sure did.  But, what time did you go? [enter status assertion]

District Resident A:

Ummm...well...you see.  We MEANT to leave at 5 a.m., but got lazy and did brunch instead.  So, we really didn't get down there until about 8.  But, we still got a really great spot right on the west side of the Washington Monument hill.

District Resident B:

Oh....wow.  Uh....that's great.  But...could ya see way out there?  My friends and I left at 3 a.m. Yea, we were practically touching the reflecting pond in front of the captiol. 

Or...here's another of my favorites....

District Resident C:

Yea, I made it out to the inauguration. Actually....you see...I had tickets [1st status assertion].  Yea...that's right, TWO of them [2nd status assertion]...in the yellow section [3rd status assertion...oy vey!].

So, for an "inauguration for the people," it sure as hell put all of us into a pecking order.  I was waiting for all the people in the ticketed section to start throwing chicken bones down on us while wearing white wigs!

Other than the one-upmanship going on around the Beltway, the other real doozie during the inauguration was the MERCHANDISE!  Oh yes...if you can think of a product that could POSSIBLY be made for our new president's inuguration, it was being sold on the streets of Washington that day!  Here's a few of the most notable:

(1) The official Certificate of Attendance.  There was a gentlemen at Virginia and 18th who was selling official certificates of attendance for both the inauguration itself and the big concert on Sunday.  God only knows what certifying authority he represented.  I can't believe I didn't get one!  Strangely enough, the concept was so campy, that he was doing quite a business at $5/pop.

(2) The "Hello My Fellow American, My Name Is:" name tag.  These were just a hoot!  So many people had them.

(3) The Michelle and Barack Wedding Album (wha?!):  For every 3 kooky items, there was a creepy one.  The Michelle and Barack wedding album was definitely one of them.  Basically, it was a really cheap photo album with a strange adhesive-applied wedding photo of our new First couple.  So, I guess you were supposed to put your own wedding photos into this book and look lovingly upon our new President and First Lady.  Weird.  The only thing it reminded me of were my strangely Anglo-obsessed friends in Canada who keep a picture of the Queena and Queen mum above their toilets.  Also weird.

(4) The Inaugural Commemorative Travel Tissue Pack.  Now, this is just brilliant.  Knowing how many people were going to be pulling an Oprah during the inaugural ceremony, someone devised an inaugural tissue pack.

All in all, it was just so uplifting to see all these entrepreneurs out on the streets of Washington in the middle of a recession.  And, it was just so American to see the kind of crap we were willing to buy at such an historical moment.  If you saw any other notable inaugural crip-crap, please let us know here at the Expat!

Fur coats, Obama crip crap and lame sound engineers

Well, what can I say? The HBO "We Are One" concert was spectacular! It was hard to believe that so many people would willingly pack themselves onto the National Mall in freezing cold weather, but we did it! For putting the production together in two weeks, HBO should get major kudos. It was an incredibly well-run program and STAR-PACKED. Mind you, I was with all the commoners down away from the main stage, but we actually managed to find an incredibly close spot. Although Mary J. looked like a little white fluffy ant walking up and down the stairs of the Lincoln Memorial, she still had us singing. A few observations from the day:

(1) I didn't realize that full-length fur coats were the official clothing for the concert! My god, PETA would have had a heart attack at this thing. I was thinking we were all going to run into a speakeasy after the concert for an under-the-counter drink!

(2) If you can think of something about Obama that can be turned into a consumable product (or "souvenir"), then trust me, it was being sold somewhere on the streets of Washington. Obama bobble heads, buttons, boxer shorts, tattoos, gummi candy...god knows what else.

(3) Americans being nice to each other? Whaaa?!! Believe me...when you're the few...the proud...like we were...up at the very front of this world-hyped concert, one could only expect that there were going to be some nasty confrontations. Surprisingly, everyone was just so pleasant with each other. When we started getting pushed from all sides like a crowded chicken coop, concert-goers simply started excusing themselves to each other rather than yelling f**k you! Will the power of Obama never end?!

(4) And finally: if you ever need a sound engineer, NEVER hire one who works for HBO. DEAR GOD. The concert was so well set-up, but when it started...they simply didn't have several of the speakers up. So, the crowd was forced to rudely interrupt the speaker (Denzel Washington) to start chanting, "turn it up, turn it up!" Then, we were in between two sets of speakers, and the delay was so bad, that we just looked like a bunch of REALLY sorry white people trying to keep a beat. But it wasn't our fault! We seriously couldn't follow the beat! And finally...god bless her...Mary J. managed to blow several speakers. How, you may ask? I have NO idea. I think I had some "DJ" friends in college who could have prevented more of these problems than HBO.

All in all though...it was incredible. Now, tomorrow is REALLY going to be a trek. Wish me luck...

I know what you got for Christmas

Well...everyone is certainly back to work in the federal District this week.  No more Christmas...no more New Year.  I was reminded that it was "back to business" when one of our very colorful motorcades flew down Connecticut Avenue this morning.  It was definitely "Obama-level."  I counted 13 Secret Service motorcycles (with sidecar!), 4 black SUVs and 5 police cars.  Why did I think it was probably an Obama-level motorcade?  Well, the fact that the last SUV had 3 SWAT team-looking men hanging out of the back with massive semi-automatic rifles gave me some clue. But I digress...

The other reason I know it's just after the holiday in Washington, D.C.: lobbying organization holiday gifts!  That's right...we're all dawning our swank new lobby swag around town this week.  Typically, this involves yet ANOTHER tote bag or "attache," sporting your respective organization's logo and slogan.  At my organization's holiday party, we received a very hip insulated lunch tote (which has actually been very useful).  On my walk to work today, I made a few observations about this year's new lobby swag:

(1) Everyone seems to be "Working for America."  Seriously, people...that's just trite.  And, as far as I'm concerned, only labor organizations get to use this slogan.  The slogan "working for America" just doesn't work as well on an attache bag for the American Association of Swingset Builders.

(2) Umbrellas are useful lobby swag...but in this town...only if they're the kind with wind vents in the top.  One big storm in DC and your logo and slogan are just going to end up in the gutter with everyone else.

(3)  Some organizations are much more interested in hiding everything about what they do on their swag.  No, the API logo on that pretty new padfolio doesn't stand for the American Pet Institute, it actually stands for the American Petroleum Institute.  You know...the giant lobbying group the represents all the world oil companies here in the District.  It's a shame they don't just have a picture of that woman from the commercial in the slick pant suit who walks around big maps of the U.S. telling us that most of the oil we need is "right here in the U.S.!" 

Mega Prom: the Inauguration

Reporting from the banks of the Mighty Potomac...the Expat is back!

Lame is the name of my game.  I knew I hadn't updated this poor blog in a while, but didn't realize it was back in SEPTEMBER.  Please accept my apologies.  If you're wondering...yes...keeping the expat up-to-date is a new year's resolution.

Anyway...a few things have happened around here since September.  We've sort of plunged into economic crisis, bailout is the new "black" and we have this new president named Obama.  I was, indeed, down with all the other drunks at 2 a.m. on election night in front of the White House chanting at Bush, which was an amazing experience to say the least.

But that's all pretext...let's talk RED CARPET.  As I round out my 6 month anniversary living in the District, I was so happy to see award season kick into high gear with the Golden Globes last night!  Everyone looked fabulous on the red carpet at the Beverly Hilton.  It transported me back to my lazy days in La La land, especially the weather.  Lord knows why I decided to check the weather out there on my phone, only to see that it's going to be sunny, clear and mid-70s all week.  Don't even THINK of calling me to gloat.  It took me 10 minutes just to bundle up before I walked out the door today!

So, we have our own little red carpet buzz going on around the Beltway...the inauguration.  Oh yes...it's like ONE GIGANTIC PROM!  I seriously have not seen people get more stressed out about one night since prom.  Are these shoes sophisticated enough?  Is red too flashy?  Do you think I'll fit into the gown I wore to the Clinton balls?  Basically, we all know that Washington, DC is really just Hollywood for dorky people.  Most of the time, they don't have to worry about being fashionable, trendy or even good looking.  But especially with Obama's inauguration comes a billion balls.

Why so many balls, some Expat readers may be asking themselves?  Well, there are a hell of a lot of lobbyists in this town...and what better way to party than to throw a prom in the name of your cause?  You name it...and there's an inauguration ball for it.  The gays have a big ball (which I couldn't afford...damn!), the environmentalists have a ball (and apparently it's hard for them to where something other than hiking boots with their tuxes), and yes....the Indians have a ball!  I'll be shakin' it on the dancefloor with all the other Natives in the beltway.  And what does the California State Society have?  An inaugural lunch and fashion show.  Something tells me there weren't a lot of Bay Area people on the organizing committee for that one.

So, as I deal with women fretting over their gowns, shoes, dates and dresses for the next week, I leave you with some things to consider.  The Obamas are planning to attend at least 10 balls on inauguration night.  Whew!  That means...there will definitely be red carpet and paparazzi...Beltway style. 

So, who's going to host the Red Carpet pre-show?  God knows Ryan Seacrest wouldn't recognize most of them...so I'm thinking Phil McLaughlin.  But please, not Tucker Carlson!

What network is going to cover it?  Maybe this is a new opp for C-Span to pick up a younger audience.  I'm thinking it should change it's name to C! and acquire rights to overplay a Beyonce song when they cut to commercial breaks.

What's the swag tent going to have in it?  Perhaps jewel encrusted pens from Pharma (the drug company lobby) enscribed with the names of the hottest prescription drugs.  And, I'm expecting each of the 50 state lobbies are going to have a designer handbag.  Idaho will have a bejeweled potato handbag.  California could have several depending on what part you're from.  Orange County could have a bejeweled orange with a clasp top.  L.A. could have a movie reel canister.  And, Nor Cal...well...I'm sure they'll think of something.

And the big one: what is Michelle Obama going to wear?!  Lord knows, this woman has been quite the talk of the fashion world (and one of the only figures keeping J. Crew's bottom line alive).  So, after seeing that "interesting" choice of gown on election night, inquiring minds are dying to know what our incoming First Lady is going to flaunt around town.  Stay tuned...