New Neighbors...and the Alpha Cat

As many of you know, we used to live in a bungalow courtyard that was literally our own version of Melrose Place. Most of the neighbors knew each other, drank with each other, and generally looked after one another's bungalows. Those years that I spent in the Bungalow were 4 of the best years of my life. It represented a lifestyle once heralded by the great Southland real estate boosters of yesteryear, which still exists, but only in certain corners of L.A.'s modern urban sprawl.

All our little bungalows were built by set builders as a day job back in the early 1920's. Imagine all the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed aspiring actors and actresses stepping off trains from the dreary cities of the East, only to find air scented with orange blossoms and perpetual spa-like sunshine. Yes, this is the reason that Southern California swelled to the 18 million-person metropolis that you see today.

I had a number of ways that I ignored the worst elements of Los Angeles, while highlighting its best and most unique. Other than telling people that smog made for FABULOUS sunsets (which is QUITE true, I'll have you know), I viewed the bungalow courtyard as my sanctuary. Our dear neighbor, Robert, worked hard everyday to maintain landscaping and a garden that gave the famous Garden of Allah a run for its money. Hummingbirds were a plenty, and most of the year, the jasmine creeping up the side of everyone's french windows gave the air an extradorniary aroma.

Ok, enough romantic waxing about L.A. Now, I live among lesbians and: The Alpha Cat.

To refresh you, I found our new wonderful English basement through my friend. He runs a marketing company here in the District. Naturally, I first met him at my Norm stool at O-bar. He appreciated my affections for fine bourbon. Good man. That aside, he was out gardening one morning and met the new owner of the brownstone next to him who happened to be looking for tenants of the his newly-renovated English basement as of July 1. Perfect.

So we moved in and started meeting the neighbors. First off, I don't know if it's the ample space for dogs or the high density of hardware stores nearby, but Kalorama is LESBIAN COUNTRY. Every other car parked on the street is a Subaru station wagon and there are a lot of women walking the block who look like nice granola mountain biking girls, but will probably cut you if you mess with them.

So, our direct upstairs neighbor is a lesbian attorney. The woman above her is a German TV coorespondent named Frau Hanni Hersch (how fab is that?), and the two girls in the English basement next door: yup, you guessed it, lesbians...with dog...and in the process of taking the Bar exam.

Then, there's my neighbor who sits on his porch with a glass of red wine, a copy of the New Yorker, and a paternal sensibility that only makes me hope he hasn't procreated...for the sake of his potential offspring's sanity. Rather than describing him, let me give you a little rundown of one of the first "conversations" I had with him. He is denoted as "A" below (for "ass"), and I'm just "E":

A: So, you gotta cat down there?

E: Yup. I sure do. His name's Nemo. He's a great cat.

A: Ha, ha, ha (seriously...he laughs like an overfed warlord). Well *takes a puff of his rank cigar*, let me tell you....my cat...you better understand...he's the ALPHA CAT. Yup *another puff*, don't let that cat of yours out, or mine'll put him in his place.

E: He, he....he *nervous laughter*. Ummm..ohh...ok.

A: Yup. He's the big man feline around here.

"Big man feline?" Seriously! Now, this is only a small glimpse into his personality. I refuse to subject you to more. But, I think I just witnessed a perverted form of dick-slinging. Who talks about their cat's alpha-ness? The especially funny part is that Nemo had a little outdoor time the other day and...

He met the "alpha" cat.

Well, not to gloat, but Mike and I realized REAL fast just how beefy Nemo really is. Nemo is about 3 times the size of the "alpha cat". They started doing that hilarious alley cat rrrrrroow ritual and Nemo puffed up like a porcupine. He took one step up the stairs...and the alpha cat ran off.

So, I'm not sure what this means for my neighbor's sense of confidence. Part of me wants to drop Nemo in front of this alpha cat again when he's out there drinking his wine and smoking his cigar, but that might just make him worse.

You know this guy must drive a Lotus or something...